“You have grown cynical… and impatient.” Arit spat frustratingly, then paused to think.
“You are a lot more intense about yourself, now. But there is more.” She said, thoughtfully, throwing her face in my direction, and looking penetratingly at me. “I think you have become undone, and no longer hiding. You have let go of stuff and contrary holds. Now, you are brazen with your thoughts, fierce about your beliefs and willing to fight for yourself, no matter what.”
She took some steps toward me, until we stood toe to toe, facing each other in a fake challenge.
She leaned forward and sniffed at my neck, taking in the soft sensuality of my perfume. She was taking long draws of my air, pulling me out, into her senses, to know and feel.
“You know what? I came here to fight you for changing; for no longer falling for my whims and caprices; for becoming unavailable, too busy to play with. I came to hate who you have become, because of how I, now, have to be more intentional about our friendship, and respectful of you. But, really, I can’t hate you for growing. I can’t hate you for becoming more. I can’t hate you for reaching this level of self-awareness and purposefulness.” She stepped pass me, and marched to the window.
“What should I do?” She murmured to herself, then spun around, dramatically, and blurted with urgency.
“I think you are at your birthing season and you need this cynicism, impatience, and selfishness to emerge, and I can’t hate you for that. I just miss you…”
“As do I.” I cut in.
Her face loosened in tenderness. “Do you?”
“Yes! But I have urgent goals I’m prioritizing for the foreseeable future and I need you to be my friend about that!” I dared. “I hold close to my heart all the adventures we’ve had together; all the fun and laughter and silliness. They make me smile, to myself, several times in any given day. But I am at the gate of my purpose, and I can’t miss or fail at becoming. So, it is time to get serious. It is time to run to win and not only for fun. It is time to pay attention to those itches in my spirit; to live it and be me. It is time for my individuality; to want what I want and go for it. I am still your friend, but there’s been a change in my priority list and I want you to be my friend about that.” I concluded…….in my head.
It was all in my head, while Arit’s call rang to death.
She will never understand my need to stay home and work. Or my need for anything that prevents her involvement. And I don’t yet trust my ability to resist her pitches and apples.
It is February of my thirty-sixth year. I have become acutely focused on my personal goals. The goals of others will no longer choke and kill mine, because I have sieved them all and put them away, only to be visited voluntarily.
These are the top four culprits in that bottle:
- The goals of my church pastor: Effected through periodical predictions, sermons, conferences and activities. Their goals may not necessarily, always be in league with mine, in line with God’s goals and plans for me. Therefore, knowing all I know about myself and where I’m heading and trying to head, I will be letting my pastor go after their goals, while I go after mine.
- The goals of my employers: Loosing myself to the vision of my employer, is one of my career regrets. Not being paid significantly for that commitment and results, is another. So, while, reliability is still one of my offering, I have inserted my goals and ambitions into the relationship. Therefore, the dynamics have changed. I am now only as reliable as your contribution to my goals allow.
- The goals of marketing organizations: They have a target to sell. I have a target to save and invest. It will be a struggle, because I loooove the finer things of life. But, I’ll find the middle ground. Or somewhere close to it. Either way, I will choose to act on my goals most of the time, no matter what anyone is trying to sell to me.
- The goals of my family and friends: Powered by emotional bonds and blackmail, it is called support, even when it is killing you. As a loved one who wants to make my family and friends proud, I will be available, but not at all times. I will support, but healthily. I will go after my goals, poised to win, for me and us. So help me God.